The RPG Collection

Back to RPG Index

© 1998-2001 Dru Pagliassotti
All rights reserved.

Top 10 Ways....


TOP 10 WAYS YOU CAN TELL YOUR DM IS MALE


10. The campaign has more maps than the National Geographic Society.
9. Your party keeps finding all these 8-foot-long swords.
8. Your female character can never seem to find any armour that comes with tummy or leg protection.
7. The only places your female character ever finds to bathe are nice, open mountain streams—with no cover.
6. None of the NPCs ever bring up the dread word "marriage."
5. For one week out of every month, your party is required to make additional wandering-monster rolls due to what your DM refers to as your female character's "mysterious recurring ailment."
4. There are only friendly barmaids in every tavern your party visits, and only scantily-clad dancing girls at every feast your party gets invited to.
3. The DM's favourite NPC contact for your party is Mistress Tiffany, who runs the local brothel.
2. There are no female NPCs over the age of 25 who aren't referred to as "a fearsome hag."
1. It's never, ever a helpless stud in distress.


TOP 10 WAYS YOU CAN TELL YOUR DM IS FEMALE


10. She goes on and on about the awful decor and dirt in the dungeon.
9. She rolls to see if your character is having a bad hair day.
8. Her maps never align correctly.
7. There are bathrooms in the dungeon.
6. Players can actually talk their way out of a fight.
5. The female NPCs can do more than dance or serve tables.
4. All the villainous male NPCs are sexist pigs and all the heroic male NPCs are sensitive feminists.
3. Philandering male PCs have to roll for VD and may get hit up for child support in nine months.
2. About once a month the campaign gets really deadly.
1. There are actually women rulers who aren't drow.


TOP 10 REASONS THERE AREN'T MORE FEMALE ARCHMAGES IN THE AD&D UNIVERSE


10. Oh, come on, pointy hats, mage staffs, Wands of Wonder and Rods of Lordly Might?!
9. Everybody thinks "wizard" and "mage" are male terms, and the female equivalent isn't all that hot.
8. If they hear one more male adventurer they've ticked off say "Are you sure witch should start with a w?," they'll scream.
7. The local laird keeps asking them to cast a permanent illusory facelift on his wife.
6. They keep getting invited to the local mage's guild for "Wet Robe" night.
5. They're tired of seeing their male peers crafting golems in the shape of Pamela Anderson.
4. Any time they cast Berserk, some wiseass wants to know if it's their time of the month.
3. The DM never sends any incubi to try to tempt them to the dark side, but all their male peers are tempted by succubi regularly.
2. The local Hierophant Druid keeps trying to corner them under the mistletoe.
1. Too many of the high-level spells require excess testosterone as the main material component.


TOP 10 PICKUP LINES GAMER GIRLS HAVE HEARD FROM GAMER GUYS


10. "You're a girl? You game?!"
9. (in game): "I'll protect you!" (stepping in front of demilich)
8. "Hey, I should show you my 36th level Paladin. Let me go get the character sheet, I'll be right back!"
7. "The game's at my place. It goes from 7 pm to ... whenever."
6. "I bet you could help me paint my female miniatures. I never seem to get the shadows under the breasts right."
5. In the game, the guy is playing a male character and flirting with a female player who is also playing a male character . When they find a Girdle of Opposite Sex, the guy's character unhesitatingly puts it on.
4. "Oh, absolutely, I believe in equal treatment for women gamers!" (as he tries to hide his 'Nude Raider' t-shirt behind his gamebooks).
3. "Gee, you look just like Lara Croft!"
2. He says nothing the first time he meets you, but the next time you see him, he's bathed, brushed his teeth, and there are no stains on his shirt.
1. "My character worships Aphrodite, how about yours?"


TOP 10 PICKUP LINES GAMER GIRLS HAVE USED ON GAMER GUYS


10-1. "Hi."


Many thanks to Lije Bailey, Joan Bounacos, Rachael Hixon, Leah Jakusovsky, and all the other gamer gals (and guys) who directly or indirectly contributed to these lists.

 

originally written June 7, 1998

Back to top of page
   
The Harrow's Copyright Information and Disclaimer.